I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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