im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
