Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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