i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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