That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
