Betty ford says i'm here all night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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