Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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