Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
