Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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