proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
