I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You ruined the universe
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
