are you still at the devil's house?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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