I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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