i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
