that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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