If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
