its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
