Im at strip club and am horny
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She told me I should be a condom model.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
