Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
