Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need to stop coming to work sober
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
