last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
