He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
