did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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