So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
