New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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