when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
