now i know why i became what i already was.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
