I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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