Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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