found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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