i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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