a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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