According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
