I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
