tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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