i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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