Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
