just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
