i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
