he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
