don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
