jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
