I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
