my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Everyone says I win the strip club
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
