sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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