Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
