You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
