So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
