the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
