apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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