I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
