Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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