he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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